It was about 2:30 AM ET when this particular song was playing. I was woken up by the words of it. For some reason I hadn't heard it before... "... humble hearts shall hear you speak". I was in a mode of complete awareness at that moment.

For the past three years I have been a part of a non-profit organization called Carpenter's Tools International Music Ministries. If you think that's a long name, it is. We're better known as CTI... or in a foreign country, Carpenter's Music, or International Carpenters. Each summer, four to six teams are sent to various countries to play music, to minister to people and to each other. After two weeks of intensive cultural, spiritual, musical training at the headquarters in Minnesota, each team is not necessarily ready for what is about to hit them, but they are equipped with certain knowledge and skills that can be used in such a context.

Year one for me was Taiwan... in a sense going back to the motherland. My mom grew up in Taiwan, however I had never been. That was the first year that a CTI summer team was sent to that country for four weeks. God spoke, "To trust me is different than to know me."

Year two was St. Vincent & the Grenadines... venturing out to the treacherous Caribbean (not). This was the first time in many years a team had been to SVG, yet another pioneering experience. This time David (president of CTI) asked if I was willing to be an assistant leader. Having had a small heads up prior to his asking, I had the opportunity to pray about it and accept the position. It was an interesting and new challenge. It was a Saturday, two weeks into tour, when my co-leader received the email about the passing of my grandmother that he had me read and soak in. God said, "I have plans for you, and they're always perfect."

Year three, this past summer, was the greatest challenge of all in Trinidad & Tobago. David asked this time if I would be willing to be the main leader. With strong words of encouragement and prayer, I accepted. In being stretched in ways I didn't know I could be stretched, God comforted saying, "I am your Father, and I know and will always know better and what is best. Just ask me."

I have fallen in love at CTI. I have fallen in love with CTI. I have fallen in love with community and a deep fellowship. But most of all, I have fallen in love with God's love and God alone.

In Trinidad, numerous messages were spoken, many of them clearly messages God intended for us to hear and acknowledge, others were questionable and challenging for us to listen to and experience. During our two week training period in Willmar, Minnesota a cultural seminar talked about religion. What is religion? What defines it? How do we and others around the world approach it? Culture. Religion is very much a cultural experience and lifestyle. In this context, Trinidad's culture is very much a part of Christianity. Tongues, spiritual movements and revelations, outbursts of Jesus' name, ... all observed in a short four weeks. No one way of worship is greater than the next, no expression of love is greater than another, no revelation is lesser than another. Our great God is still our great God. Today. Tomorrow. Here. There. In Taiwan, in St. Vincent, in Trinidad.... He is everywhere and ever so constant. This wondrous and mysteriously incredible God we call our lover is the same everywhere. All around the world, He loves. All around the world, He lives. All around the world, He is the head of the body and the church.

The CTI family is a very large one, and very tight-knit. The short time that we spend with each other can't replace a life's worth of experience sometimes. The experiences and struggles that we share together can't and wouldn't be traded for anything more spectacular. Some of the best friends, sisters, brothers, father and mother figures that continue to be a part of my life come from this CTI family. I was talking with a brother of mine, asking advice on seeking God's will and what He wants for us, seeking some insight, when he said something incredibly profound: "God will let us know if it's not, but only in our pursuit. We can't sit and wait for things to just happen." And so I thought about it. "Pursue AND surrender? Exactly." I wrote in my journal that day. I'm still figuring out exactly what that means, but it has to be both. Surrender. I wrote later in that same journal entry "I belong to you." Te pertenezco, Senor. WOW.

Deeper by Hillsong United was the song that woke me up that one early morning.
Jesus hold me into your heart, into your heart.
And Lord, my soul delights and I know your hear my prayer.
Take me deeper.


So what now?
Live wholly pure. Live purely and holy. I guess.

Life wouldn't be life without change. Life wouldn't move on smoothly, or not so smoothly, without change. And that's something that has broken me over the course of the crazy summer, and that's something that is breaking me right now. Proverbs 16:9 says that "the heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps."
Allison pointed out to me that I hate change. I denied it. And then thought about it some more. And then after ten seconds of thinking, I agreed. She brought up this one time when I was younger. I was a gymnast (yes, hard to believe I exercised a lot). The gym that I normally went to was flooded, so they changed locations... a nearby school. I cried the first day in the new venue. I cried and refused to do anything. And of course I got in trouble for it from my mom. Ask me why I cried over something so stupid? Beats me. I couldn't tell you exactly.

Too close for comfort. Preparing for a change is one thing. Being unprepared for a change is another thing. Something that has broken me time and time again.

Trust is one thing. And pretty much one thing only. It pains me to know that I don't trust myself. It pains me to know that I don't trust a lot of other people. It pains me to know that I don't trust someone to wash the dishes "correctly". It pains me to know that I don't trust someone to use my stuff "correctly"... because it's mine. I heard Jesus Take The Wheel by Carrie Underwood playing in the Lego store just yesterday. I'm not a very good front seat passenger.